Remember Me This Way Page 15

  21

  Now

  I can fully admit that I have a problem as I walk through the hotel lobby to surprise the guys. They weren’t expecting me until tomorrow but it’s Tanner’s birthday today and with everything that’s been happening lately, I’m just trying to keep us all going. When there happened to be a flight available after my meeting in New York City, I knew I had to take it. Tanner hates birthdays, and I’m the only one who knows that.

  No matter what was going on though, ultimately, they were my home. Complicated or not, I couldn’t spend too much time away from them without feeling a burning need inside of me to return.

  I just wondered if they still felt the same way about seeing me.

  “I need a key for Judd Cavanaugh’s room,” I tell the front desk, using the pseudonym that the guys used most often when they were in hotels.

  “And you are…?” he asks, looking at me distrustingly.

  "Snow White," I say with a small grin. It was the codename that the boys decided on. I didn't have seven men, but they felt like three was close enough. This was the first time I was having to use it, since in the past, I'd always been with them. Using the name helps me shake off some nerves and the general sense of uneasiness I’ve had for some reason since walking into the hotel.

  The employee looks down at the computer again, his face annoyed. A look of surprise crosses his face. He must've seen "Snow White" on the list. When he looks up at me again, all the suspicion is wiped from his face. It’s replaced with a look of simpering respect and calculation that I've seen in a lot of people's eyes when they found out I was involved with the band. I'm sure he’s wondering, beneath his beady little eyes, what my connection is with them and what I can do for him.

  "The key. I only have a few hours," I say to him, immediately realizing what that sounded like after it left my mouth.

  His weaselly grin only widens. I roll my eyes.

  It takes another five minutes before I have the key in my hand. He handed it to me in that little key folder that hotels always give out. I open it up as I’m going up the elevator and I’m not surprised to see his number and a note to “call Wesley for a good time” written inside. I highly doubt that Wesley can give anyone a good time.

  It’s early in the morning, and I don’t expect any of the guys to be up, considering they had a show last night. It was really hard that I missed the show, since we had been taking turns flying back and forth to see each other perform. At the start of our tours, we’d had a 48-hour rule for the amount of time we could be a part. But eventually, it had become too hard on all of us to keep up with that, and Clark started sending me to more promotional events in between shows. This wasn’t the first time I hadn’t come back when I was supposed to, and I knew that at least Tanner was getting more and more upset about it.

  A flash of guilt creeps into my mind. For not the first time, I wonder if we all can have our dreams for our career and make the relationship work.

  I shove the thought off. Hopefully, I would get big enough that the record label would be interested in me opening for the guys next, and then we'd always be together. Who knows, maybe someday they’d be opening for me... or at least we’d be headlining together.

  At least that was my dream.

  Wesley gave me three keys for some reason. I thought it was strange that the guys weren’t staying in one suite together, like we had when I was traveling with them. I guess they just needed space?

  I didn't know who was staying where, so I just knocked on the first door that I came to. A minute passes and no one answers. I’m about to try another room, when the door creaks open and an exhausted looking Jesse appears. His blonde hair is sticking up everywhere, and he looks like he had a rough night. I guess the after party was intense. A wave of unease passes over me, and I have to actively push it away. I trust them. I do. But we don’t really do afterparties when I’m with them, and the few times I did attend it was definitely not my favorite thing between the groupies and the out of control roadies.

  “Ari?” he asks, a big smile lighting up his face as he scoops me into his arms and begins peppering my face with kisses. “You’re early,” he says, stating the obvious.

  “Is that alright?” I ask, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious.

  He looks at me like I’m crazy. “You’re joking, right? I’m always having to resist the urge to come kidnap you from your tour and keep you by my side, always. Or just quit the band and become your kept boytoy,” he says with a wink.

  The laugh that comes out of me is just what I need, and whatever weird feeling I just had dissipates. “Where’s Jensen and Tanner?” I ask, looking into Jesse’s room and seeing that it’s empty.

  Jesse rolls his eyes. “Jensen needed some space,” he says, making me laugh again at the way that he says it, like he and Jensen are in a relationship and taking a break.

  “And Tanner...is Tanner,” he explains vaguely before grabbing his key card off the table next to the door and walking out with me. "Let's go see if birthday boy is still alive after last night.”

  "Was it a big party?" I ask nonchalantly, trying to act as if I don't care.

  He looks at me knowingly. And then a look of concern crosses his face. “Tanner's been going a little hard lately," he says in a concerned voice.

  “We’ve been seeing each other every few days,” I respond crossly. “How have I not known this? And what do you mean by hard? Do you think he's…" I begin to ask, dread curling in my gut.

  Jesse grimaces. “Perhaps,” he admits, making my jaw drop. “But you don't need to worry," he hurriedly adds. "Jensen and I are watching him. If it gets too out of hand, we’ll handle it. You really don't need to worry. You’ve got enough on your plate,” he says.

  "You really think he's doing drugs again?" I ask, wringing my hands. "Maybe I should just take a break."

  "No," Jesse says harshly. "You're not gonna give up your dream just because one of your boyfriends is acting like a douche," he says. "And besides, we haven't actually seen him doing it. I just suspect it, but I could be totally wrong. Tanner's been completely clean since you came back into our lives."

  I hear the things in Jesse's voice that he doesn’t say. That I’m not exactly “in” their lives at the moment. Which isn’t fair at all.

  But I let it go for now.

  "I'm sure it's fine, let's go wake him up and start the birthday celebrations…or I guess continue them,” he says, frowning as he thinks about whatever happened last night.

  I nod, my stomach clenching. We walk down the hall, and I think again of the separate rooms. "How often have you guys been getting separate rooms? It’s never like this when I come,” I remark.

  Jesse pauses, clearly not wanting to answer my question.

  "We’ve just all been a little tense. Kinda getting tired of life on the road," he says. Again, I can read the words that he isn’t saying.

  Everything is falling apart because I’m not here.

  I let it go though, because what could I say? Sorry for actually doing something for myself for once in my life?

  Yeah, that didn't seem like something I should apologize for.

  We knock on the door, even though Jesse has a key to the room, but no one answers. I can hear the faint pulsing of music coming from beyond the door.

  After a minute, Jesse finally swipes the key when no one answers.

  As soon as we walk in, I just know that something is wrong. Tanner’s staying in a suite, the suite that the guys would usually stay in all together because it has three bedrooms. And the place is trashed. It's not just trashed, it's demolished. There are people passed out all over. Some are half clothed, and some are even naked.

  There's a hole in the wall. Lamps are knocked over. Beer bottles, empty liquor bottles, food… It's everywhere. I almost step in some vomit until Jesse pulls me out of the way. I don't see Tanner's body strewn on the floor though, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. He's not in the first or second bedroom either.
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  "Maybe let me go in there first," Jesse says as we approach the third door.

  "He wouldn’t," I tell him, trying to assure both of us, but Jesse doesn't reply.

  I let him open the door anyway.

  Whatever he sees isn’t good, because he quickly backs out. “He doesn’t look like he’s in good shape. Why don’t we go eat breakfast and he can meet us later?” he says.

  And I know then that whatever's in that room is going to change things.

  I push him gently to the side, and I walk in.

  I immediately want to cry, throw up, rage against the world. He's ruined everything. This wasn't supposed to happen in love stories. Especially not ours. We’ve been through too much for this to happen.

  But the proof is right in front of me. It really is happening.

  Tanner's lying in an unmade bed, on his stomach, naked. That would ordinarily not be cause for concern, since Tanner always sleeps naked. But there’s an equally naked girl lying next to him. Her arm is strewn across his back.

  Jesse is trying to get me out of the room, but I’m frozen.

  Tanner must hear the commotion, because he flips over to his back. He opens his eyes, and just looks at me, and there’s acceptance and resignation in his gaze, like he knows it’s all ruined.

  My eyes flick away from him and dance across the room. There’s a small pile of white powder on the dresser next to him that I'm just now noticing. We both see it at the same time, but Tanner’s face doesn’t change. The blonde groans just then, and Tanner finally starts to look sick.

  He looks over at her, and his face is a haunted.

  "Princess," he finally says.

  But I cut him off. "Don't you dare," I hiss at him. "Don't you dare say this isn't what it looks like," I say as I begin to back away.

  Just then, the vomit that I've been trying to keep in splatters out, peppering the already dirty floor with the remnants of the breakfast sandwich I had at the airport this morning. Jesse puts his arms around me just then and starts to help me back out of the room, because it's like I'm having an out of body experience at the moment.

  Tanner's off the bed, completely naked, trying to come after me. Jesse pushes me behind him and cuts off Tanner before he can get any closer.

  "Leave her alone," Jesse growls at him, so different from his usual easy-going attitude. Tanner’s sobbing now, big ugly sobs that sound strange coming from this man that I've almost never seen cry.

  He starts to beg me to listen to him, beg me to give him a chance. He looks broken, his face scrunched up in pain so tangible that I can almost taste it. It mirrors my own pain. I turn around to run and escape it, and instead, I run right into Jensen, who has just appeared behind me.

  "What's going on, Ari?" he says, his face a mix of confusion and joy at seeing me.

  "Where have you been?" I growl through my tears, and the confusion on his face only grows.

  "I have my own room just like Jesse, why?" he asks. But then his eyes take in the scene in front of him. The blonde wanders out now, still naked as the day she was born, jutting her breasts out proudly as she puts her arms around Tanner's waist.

  And I can’t be there anymore. I run out of the room, stepping on a few passed out people as I go.

  I thought I had already been through the worst there was.

  But I never saw this coming.

  And I just wonder that after surviving David and then Gentry...how I’ll ever survive this.

  I'm huddled in a hotel room that I booked as soon as I left Tanner’s room, trying to arrange for a flight back early. I feel bad, because Jesse and Jensen have been trying to call me since they don’t know where I am, but I'm just not in the mood to see any of them right now.

  A knock sounds on the door. And somehow, I know that it’s Tanner. I can practically feel his guilt and anguish permeating through the door. For a second, I debate not answering, but eventually, I decide it's best to just get it over with. I have no idea if he's going to grovel or try to make excuses. But either way I need to be done with Tanner Crosby after this.

  I take a deep breath, and I walk shakily to the door. Opening it up, I can see that I was right. Standing there-pale, tired, and awful looking-is Tanner.

  Now that I'm examining him closely, I can see that he looks like he's lost weight since the last time I saw him, which was only two weeks ago. He’s lost at least ten pounds. I wonder if that's because of the drugs.

  Or maybe he's been “working out” more, I comment sarcastically to myself, thinking of the blonde again.

  He clears his throat, like he's about to throw up at my feet. "Hi," he finally says in a choked voice.

  I simply stare at him silently, and open up the door to let him in.

  "It's nice that you were able to take a break," he says awkwardly. I look at him incredulously, not sure what he's trying to do. "Listen, I just came by because I wanted to tell you to not take this out on Jesse and Jensen. They haven't done anything wrong. I’m the fuck up here. They haven’t partied at all since you left, haven't even really talked to other girls unless they're forced to at signing events," he says.

  “That’s what you came here to say?” I ask in a shaky voice. I want him to tell me I just imagined everything. I want him to beg me for a second chance.

  I've been in love with this silver eyed boy since I knew what love was. I don't know how to just let that go. I don't know how he can just let it go.

  He starts to walk to the door, and I realize that he has nothing else to say. I'm crying now, silent tears that stream down my face. They’re a mix of heartbreak and anger, because how can one emotion outweigh the other right now?

  I would have followed this boy anywhere. I have followed him, down all the dark paths his heart has taken us. I’ve dragged him into the light, even when it took something away from me to do it. He came to me broken, and I’ve spent years of my life trying to put back the parts that were missing from him.

  My love for him has always burned hot and wild, and now that we’re at this moment, I can’t help but think I should have known.

  I’ve always taken Tanner’s demons, and thought I had to make them mine.

  And that was never going to end well.

  But if this is our last goodbye, I just want someone to tell me who I’m supposed to be if I can’t love him anymore.

  Tanner hesitates at the door. He looks back at me over his shoulder. I can see that his silver eyes are shiny with tears, but I wish there were more. I wish he was on the floor right now, shattering into pieces, because that’s how I feel.

  "I just want you to know how sorry I am, Ari. I'm so fucking sorry," he whispers before leaving the room.

  I fall to my knees. I can’t breathe. I didn’t know a heart could feel like this and still live. I’d never known that pain could be so silent, and yet, so loud.

  But now I do.

  I give myself an hour, and then I leave on my flight.

  I've had several new beginnings over the course of my life.

  But this doesn't feel like a fresh start.

  It feels like the very end.

  Tanner

  I’m a fucking loser. I’ve always known it, and now she knows it too. No matter how much she tried to save me, nothing she did ever worked. Because I needed to want to save myself. And I didn't know how to do that.

  I pull out the flask that’s ever present in my pocket and drink it down, savoring the sharp bite of whiskey as it goes down my throat. I then walk to my suitcase, and dig to the bottom of it until I get to the Altoids container that really holds my stash of Percocet. I swallow five of them down, wishing that my stash of coke wasn't gone.

  I need something to make me forget.

  I hadn't fucked that girl. After Ari stepped back into our lives, my dick couldn’t make an appearance for anyone but her. She had always been it for me. But the opportunity that I hadn't known I'd been waiting for was too perfect to pass up.

  Ari, deserved better than me. I would on
ly drag her down, because I couldn't stop my demons from dragging me under. Even if I got clean again, checked myself into rehab for the fourth time, I wouldn't be able to stop. I was weak, where she was strong. I wasn't going to do that to her.

  So I let her believe that I fucked that girl. I had her security team keeping me updated on every move she made so I knew she was coming early today for my birthday. When I woke up this morning and saw what I had done to myself, how pathetic I was-lying in a pool of vomit-I couldn’t take Ari being around me anymore.

  When that girl walked in my room this morning and tried to get into bed with me, I took the opportunity to make sure Ari finally let me go. She had only been in my bed for a minute, but a minute was all it took.

  And even then, I almost messed it all up by running after her, my very soul begging me not to push her away.

  I would break her heart now, so that it wouldn't break worse in the future when I inevitably let her down for the millionth time, and she realized that she had wasted her life on a broken man.

  I'm lost in dark thoughts when the door crashes open and an irate Jensen is standing there. "You stupid, fucking asshole," he growls at me, striding over to grab me by the collar of my shirt, shaking me so hard that my teeth clack together.

  "Why did you do this?" he asks, the end of his sentence coming out pained rather than angry. I know he's hurting too. Both he and Jesse are hurting. They love her, and they love me. And I’ve destroyed the only real family I’ve ever had.

  "This is for the best," I tell him. He lets me go, disgusted. Staring at my eyes, I know he can see how dilated they are, how high I’m getting right now as the pills and alcohol begin to take effect.

  "You're unbelievable. You just lost the girl you’ve been obsessed with for forever, and you’re getting high right now instead of going after her.”

  He shakes his head in disgust and points his finger at me as he walks towards the door. “If you fucked things up for Jesse and I, I will never forgive you. If you don't make this right, we’re done."