Remember Me This Way Read online

  As grateful as I am to have options, as I sit on the private plane that the guys borrowed from one of their movie producer friends, I’m reminded that without them, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I have to remind myself that what I have to offer them, unconditional love, is better than money, and it’s something that none of them have ever really had.

  But as I watch Tanner pour himself a double of scotch, even though it’s nine in the morning, I can’t help but wonder if unconditional love is even what they need in their lives at the moment. Looking at Jensen’s gaunt face, Jesse’s exhaustion, and Tanner’s dead eyes...I’m not sure that love will be enough for us.

  3

  I don’t know who I am anymore...or even what day it is. I haven’t left Jesse’s mansion since we arrived, and even though my doctors have cleared me to start living my life again, I haven’t seen outside the opulent gates of Jesse’s estate.

  I’m watching an episode of Housewives of Beverly Hills, sitting in a bathrobe that has seen better days, my hair a mess, and feeling sorry for myself. The guys are upstairs working on the song they promised the record label...and it’s not going well. I heard shouting and the sound of glass breaking earlier, but I leave them alone.

  Just like Tanner and Jensen have been leaving me alone the past few weeks.

  Jesse is the only one who’s been around. It’s been like ships passing in the night with the other two. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and find Tanner or Jensen on one side of me with Jesse on the other. They reach for me in their sleep, holding me close and giving me the comfort they can’t provide me during the day. Tanner and Jensen are always gone when I wake up, though.

  I hear footsteps coming down the stairs, and I look up to see who it is.

  Jesse appears, a grim look on his face that tells me it wasn’t just artistic differences going on up there. “How do you feel about getting out of here, pretty girl?” he asks me, and I can’t tell who needs a break from reality more, me or him.

  I hesitate in answering for a moment, staring at my chipped nails and thinking about the fact that I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair.

  Is this how I want to be? I’ve been given a second chance at life, and even though I’ve been working hard at recovery, my heart hasn’t recovered at all. I remind myself in this moment that for every second I spend wasting away on this couch, Gentry is winning.

  “Yes, let’s do it,” I tell him, trying to put some excitement into my voice. I obviously fail based on Jesse’s grimace. “Do you think that the others will want to come?” I ask, for some reason feeling vulnerable as I ask.

  Jesse is shaking his head before I’m even done answering the question. “I’m sure they would come if you ask, but if it’s alright with you...I could use a break from them right now.” There’s a tightness in his voice that’s not like Jesse at all.

  I immediately nod and go to him, throwing my arms around him. “I’m always okay with time alone with you,” I whisper, not understanding why I feel like crying. He buries his head in my neck, and we stand there for several long moments before he finally lets go. He takes a deep breath and then gives me that signature Jesse grin. “You know I think you look beautiful no matter what, but you might be more comfortable in something other than that bathrobe, pretty girl,” he says to me with a wink, and I manage to crack a smile as well.

  I pull at my robe, deciding that I’ll throw it away after today. Get rid of temptation and all of that. “That’s probably a good idea,” I tell him. “Give me thirty minutes to look a little more presentable,” I say, racing down the hall before he can answer. I’m suddenly desperate to get ready and feel human once again.

  My bedroom is like a dream. Somehow while we were on tour, Jesse had people come in and transform it for me. Looking around at the opulence of it all, I can’t believe that the girl from the trailer park has a room like this. There’s gold and cream filigree wallpaper on the walls and a California king size bed with a cream comforter and what seems like a million gold pillows on it in the center of the room. The room is so big that it has a separate sitting area and a small kitchen with kitchen gadgets so sophisticated that I haven’t yet figured out how to use them...just in case I don’t feel like walking down the hall to one of the other two main kitchens in the house. It has a closet bigger than the entire trailer that I grew up in stuffed with clothes that are so expensive, I’m pretty sure that they should be in a museum. Gentry always made sure that I looked nice, since it was a reflection of him. His family was wealthy, extremely wealthy, but Gentry made it clear that his money was not our money, and I had only been given enough to look presentable for him and buy groceries. I hadn’t had a say in how the house was decorated or anything else, Gentry’s mother had done all of that with the help of her favorite designer. But this...this sort of rich was on a whole other level.

  The bathroom was even more impressive. There was a large freestanding tub that was more of a hot tub than a normal bathtub, since at least six or seven people could fit into it comfortably. And yes...I imagined what it would be like if all of the guys happened to be in the tub with me at the same time.

  The shower was equally impressive. Six shower heads hung from the ceiling with even more spaced out along the side walls, so water could hit you from all sides. There were different settings you could use, there was even a foam setting just in case you felt like some fun. There were four different vanities situated around the bathroom, a place to put on makeup, and heated towel racks and floors. I didn’t think that even Versailles could be as nice as my bedroom, although Jesse assured me that it was far nicer, and that he would take me to France and show it to me someday.

  It hadn’t slipped my notice that even though the rest of Jesse’s mansion was gorgeous, magazine worthy in every way...my room was a step up. It was just another way that he went out of his way to make me feel special. I was pretty sure that I had a room waiting for me at Tanner’s condo as well. It still didn’t feel real that I fit right back into their lives after our time apart, despite the difference in our circumstances. That feeling of belonging reminded me that even though everything seemed so difficult right now, it was worth every hard thing we faced.

  Despite the fact that showering felt like a luxury, I hurried through it now, trying to get as clean as possible so Jesse didn’t have to wait for me for very long. As I turn off my shower, I can hear shouting again from down the hall, and my heart sinks. I definitely needed to hurry.

  I blow dry my hair as much as possible before pulling it back into a chignon that I hope looks presentable. Concealer under my eyes followed by some bronzy eye shadow, dark brown eyeliner, and mascara make me not look as much like an extra in Night of the Living Dead. Some blush and bronzer across my cheeks, followed by some light pink lipgloss complete my makeup. After I slip into a midnight blue maxi dress...I scarcely recognize myself. It’s been so long since I dressed up in any capacity that I had forgotten what I looked like. The scars on my chest will never go away, unless I choose to get plastic surgery, and I’m skinnier than I was before, so skinny in fact, that my breasts have gone down a whole size based on the fit of my bra...but I’m alive, and that’s all that matters.

  The shouting has stopped once again and when I walk out into the living room where Jesse is waiting for me, there’s no sign of the other two guys. I resist the urge to ask Jesse what’s going on. He’ll tell me if he feels like it, and our time together doesn’t need to be about that.

  “Hi,” I tell him, suddenly nervous for what he’s going to think when he sees me. When he hears my voice, Jesse’s head pops up from the game he was playing on his phone. Hunger lights up his eyes, and the way that he’s looking at me makes me feel like my body could burst into flames at any minute. Apparently, my missing boob size isn’t a problem, since I don’t think I can ever remember Jesse looking at me this intensely before...and we’ve had a lot of intense moments as of late.

  Confusingly, he takes a
step backwards. “Let’s get out of here before I drag you to this couch and end this night before it can begin,” he says gruffly, looking like it’s taking everything in him to hold himself back.

  Jesse gestures for me to walk to the door, and I giggle when he continues to keep his distance from me. So, this is what it feels like to be normal for half a minute. I had forgotten.

  There’s a shiny black Escalade waiting for us out front, and Jesse’s LA driver, Thomas, is waiting in front of it. Thomas opens the door for me and nods appreciatively. “It’s good to see you, Ms. Ari,” he tells me, and I give him a grateful smile. Although Jesse prefers to drive, he hates losing time in the LA traffic and pays Thomas to drive him around and run errands for him when he’s in town. Thomas has helped to shuttle me back and forth to doctor’s appointments and has definitely seen me at some of my worst moments.

  Jesse slides in next to me, sitting so close that I let out another awkward giggle for some reason. He smirks at me, his gorgeous blue eyes flashing at me delightedly, and grabs my hand, holding it tightly as the SUV takes off.

  We needed this. I can already see that the haunted look that’s been present in Jesse’s eyes is fading just in the five minutes we’ve been in the car.

  “Up for some good seafood?” he asks, and I nod, actually feeling hungry for the first time in what seems like forever. “I think they are doing fireworks in the next town over on the water tonight. How does that sound?” he asks. For some reason, the thought of fireworks makes me a little bit sick. But I brush that feeling aside, because I can see how excited Jesse looks at providing us with a nice night out.

  “Sounds great,” I tell him, holding his hand tighter. He doesn’t seem to notice the sudden tension that has entered my body, and I’m grateful for that.

  My eyes flicker out the window as we get to a stop light, and I find myself looking for Gentry. I know that another SUV is following us with some of the security staff that the guys have hired to watch out for us, but for some reason, I still expect to see Gentry at any minute.

  “Ari,” Jesse says gently, and I turn back to look at him, my lip trembling as I try not to cry. “You’re safe,” he tells me.

  “I keep looking for him,” I admit quietly. “I expect him to come crashing through the front door of the house at any minute. I expect that he’ll pop in front of me at any time.”

  “It’s only a matter of time before he’s out of our lives forever. The police are after him, our private investigators are after him...there’s no way that he can stay hidden forever.”

  “Private investigators?” I ask, hearing about this for the first time.

  Jesse purses his lips. “We hired some investigators to help the police along. Even with his name on the national list, it’s good to give the police some help.”

  I nod, wrapping my arms around myself to ward off the sudden chill that I’m feeling. Will there actually be a day when I don’t see his face in every crowd? I can only hope.

  We drive along the coast for thirty minutes until we get to an elegant looking restaurant right on the beach. “Did you bring your hat and sunglasses?” I ask Jesse, only half joking. The guys can’t exactly just go out in public anymore, especially in California, where everyone is constantly on the lookout for stars.

  “We don’t need it tonight,” he says mysteriously, and my eyes widen, wondering if he rented out the whole restaurant to give us some privacy. “Only the top deck,” he replies, and I realize that I asked the question out loud. I’m obviously not all the way with it yet.

  Thomas pulls up to the side of the restaurant where a sharply dressed employee is waiting for us. The employee introduces himself as Isaac and then shows us up a side set of stairs that bypasses the entire restaurant and leads right to the top deck that Jesse has rented out for us. Waiting for us on the deck is a candlelit table for two that looks out onto the ocean. Isaac gets our drink order and then disappears. I lean against the railing, enjoying the mild ocean breeze. It feels so good to be out of the house. Here in this moment, I can pretend that we don’t have any worries. The beach in front of the restaurant is blissfully empty, and it feels like Jesse and I are all alone in our own little bubble.

  “The stars should be pretty amazing out here,” he whispers in my ear as he wraps his arms around me.

  “You and your stars,” I tell him, leaning back against his chest and soaking in his perfect love.

  “You love it,” he replies, and I grin. My favorite memories with Jesse have all had stars in them. I’m hoping tonight will become another of those treasured memories.

  Isaac brings us out our drink orders, and we listen to the specials. After both ordering various seafood items to share, we relax in our seats, talking and joking easily like we always used to. The food comes out, and we both ooh and ahh over how good everything is. Our laughter comes effortlessly, and we can’t stop smiling at each other. This is what we needed.

  Isaac comes out after we finish our entrees with special desserts that the chef prepared specially for us. “The fireworks should be starting soon,” he informs us, and for some reason, I shiver after his announcement.

  “Do you need a jacket?” Jesse asks, and I smile and shake my head.

  “I’m good,” I tell him, intent on not ruining the evening for no good reason.

  Jesse picks up our desserts, as I carry our glasses of sherry, and leads us to a section of the deck that is set up as a lounge area, complete with several sofas and coffee tables. I snuggle into his arms on the couch as we eat the most delicious chocolate lava cake I’ve ever tried and sip our dessert wine, waiting for the fireworks to start.

  BOOM!

  Bile rises in my throat. BOOM! I fall off the couch when the explosion registers, my head cracking against the coffee table. Gentry and a gun. BOOM! Everyone is screaming, and all I see is red. BOOM! I’m falling away into darkness. Rolling to my knees, I press my hands against my ears and hum. I tunnel away, until the outer rim of my sight is fuzzy and a numbing blur eases my ragged nerves.

  “Ariana?” Jesse cries, reaching for me and tucking me into his arms. When he does, the horizon comes into focus, as do the sparkles. Fireworks. It’s just the fireworks starting. After each shot, the sky brightens by a burst of light, the simmering tails snuffed out by the darkening night. I would normally think it was beautiful, but right now, it seems like it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.

  Jesse doesn’t ask me what’s wrong again, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t know what happened and haven’t a clue on how to explain it. He picks me up in his arms and without a word, carries me down the stairs and out to the street. As he does, my gaze falls to more than one horrified pair of eyes of the employees and guests who stepped out to watch the fireworks or go home. They’re all watching; watching perfect Jesse Carroway carry his crazy ass girlfriend to the car. I’m sure this will end up in the tabloids by tomorrow. I’d laugh, but I don’t have the strength. It’s a relief to get away from their judgmental stares when we finally get into the quiet confines of the SUV.

  My dress is soaked. The sweet blend of burnt caramel, coffee, and vanilla roll my stomach. The sherry we had been drinking coats not only me but Jesse as well. I’ve made a mess of things.

  Jesse doesn’t say anything in the car, just holds me tight and strokes my cheek gently. We get back to the house in record time and once again, Jesse has me in his arms and is carrying me inside. “Good night. Call me if you need anything,” says Thomas as we walk away. My eyes lock with his for just a second, and the side of his mouth raises just a smidge. For some reason, I take it as a reassurance, a been-there-done-that, everything-will-be-okay kind of smidge.

  Jesse heads directly to the shower, and doesn’t release me, even while turning the water on. Only after the streams are flowing does he set me down on the counter. I let my head fall, and it pounds. Remembering the smack against the coffee table, it makes sense. I’ll need ibuprofen before bed.

  “Ariana?” h
e whispers, running his fingers along my cheeks and neck, into my hair. “Talk to me.” I nibble my lips, top and then bottom.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Tell me what happened,” he says, massaging my shoulders. I push against his chest and hop down when he gives me just enough space.

  “Help me with this?” I turn around so he can release me from the maxi dress that I know I’m going to burn after this. Alcohol has ruined the dress, but I’m not at all sad to see it go. Left standing in bra and panties, I find us in the mirror. Jesse’s hands are spread along my stomach, the expanse of them covering my midsection—so strong. I close my eyes and lean back—he’s hard and warm and comforting. “I got scared.”

  Turning me toward him, he nudges my chin up, and I’m forced to find his eyes. “Scared of what?”

  “When Gentry first began shooting, I thought it was someone shooting off fireworks outside,” I whisper, hanging my head, dejected. So stupid.

  “It’s not stupid. Tonight was too much too soon. I should have started just with dinner.”

  I’m so ridiculous. I’d bury my head in the sand if I could. As it is, the only thing I can do is burrow into one of my favorite places and let him wash the memories away. And hope he forgives me for making them.

  4