Remember Me This Way Page 8

  "Yes," Tanner responded hoarsely, his eyes glued to mine.

  "Well, I made that same vow. I just never admitted it out loud because I was afraid of failing."

  "Okay, but we both made it out. We're here now, aren't we?" he asks, confused.

  I shake my head. "You see, the thing is, Tanner, I never really got out of there. And the more I depend on you, the more I stay scared of Gentry and my past...the more it becomes clear to me that I'm still stuck there, and I'm always going to be stuck there, unless I can do something for myself. And, Tanner," I continue, my voice breaking with emotion. "I want to get out of there more than anything."

  There's a long silence where we just stare at each other, but I know that he understands now. He understands me and why this opportunity has nothing to do with becoming rich and famous, or any of the other things that motivate most people trying to get their music out into the world. This is about me proving something to myself. That I'm not the trailer park girl from the wrong side of the tracks who happened to get lucky by meeting three boys who made it big. I think that part of me has always thought that I wasn't good enough for them. Maybe that's why it was so easy for me to break contact with them when my life went to shit after they left. I had a feeling that if I could do this, if I could prove to myself that I was somebody without them, then our relationship would be stronger than ever. We just had to make it through the journey first.

  He pulls me to him and lays a gentle kiss on my lips that says everything he hadn't said out loud. "I love you, Ariana Kent. That's never going to change," he swears fiercely as he pulls away. “I never want to lose you.”

  My response is to nip his bottom lip, sucking it into my mouth. An instant bolt strikes me down low, and I’m aching for him. My teeth follow his racing pulse down his neck to the sensitive point just above his collarbone. Stopping, I rest my head there and take a deep breath, murmuring into his skin, “I don’t know how to ease your fear. But I’m here. I will always be here for you, Tanner.” I find his eyes and say, “Always. I will give you whatever you need.”

  “I need you, whole and healthy and with me.”

  “I am with you. We’ll stumble every once in a while, but I promise you we’ll never fall.” I kiss him, and he licks my lips.

  “We will never be broken,” I whisper.

  I just hope that I’m right.

  I couldn't really believe that this was my life as our car-that the label sent-drives us to the recording studio. We could have driven ourselves but I guess Clark wanted to make sure that I actually made it to the studio, and that I wasn’t delayed by the guys.

  There’s a part of me that can’t help but think about how this was the way it was supposed to be all along, since this is the same studio that the guys were sent to when they got their start as well. If things had been different, I would have already been here and known exactly what it was like. It’s like we’re rewriting history, just five and a half years later.

  Jesse winks at me as we drive when he sees my excited face. I'm sure I look like a kid in a candy store. Even Jensen's face is softened when he sees how thrilled I am with this development. We used to talk about our dreams, and he knows how much this means to me, even if he's scared of me being away from them.

  I have my writing notebook with me, and I'm suddenly afraid of what the record label’s going to think about everything that’s inside of it. A lot of the songs I wrote with Jensen and the others, but some of them I wrote by myself. And I’ve only shown the guys some of them. But it's important to me that something that came from just me ends up on this record. I want this to feel somewhat like I earned it, and not just that I've managed to ride on their coattails once again.

  I had never actually been in a recording studio before, so my nerves are going haywire as we step into the main lobby. Tanner sent a text to me telling me he would meet me here a little later, so it’s just Jesse and Jensen with me as we walk in. Jesse and Jensen greet an unkempt guy, who stands behind a fancy looking counter playing a video game on his phone. “Hey, man.” The three shake hands.

  “Aren’t you guys still on tour? I thought it would be a while before a new album,” he says to the guys.

  “We’re actually here for Ariana,” says Jensen, gesturing to me.

  The guy’s eyes widen as he looks me up and down. “You’re Ariana? The studio has been buzzing about you for a while,” he says admiringly. “They let me listen to one of the recordings of you and it was epic.”

  I couldn't help but blush at his words. It was nice to hear someone outside of the guys say that I had talent. In the corner of my mind, I always wondered if they were nice about my singing because they were sleeping with me, or if I was actually good. I even had doubts about Clark’s intentions, although they were starting to seem better and better every day.

  Obviously, my self-confidence was a work in progress.

  “Well, we better get started. Is everyone already back there?” asks Jesse before my inability to speak can get awkward.

  “Sure are,” the guy responds. “They’ve been there for a few days working on some stuff. Go on back…Studio D.” He buzzes open a heavy-looking door and allows us to pass. I trail behind Jesse and Jensen as they lead me down a hallway, past a few rooms that are filled to the brim with instruments, to a large kitchen. In a way, it doesn’t feel too overwhelming until we step out the back door on to a wood patio surrounded by lush gardens and tropical palm trees. There are four small houses out here that I assume are the individual recording studios. I follow the guys to the deck outside of Studio D where a guy is lounging by a stone table.

  “You’re here,” a hazel eyed guy wearing a beat up red baseball cap greets us, grinning. “What’s new?” he asks Jesse and Jensen, his eyes intent on me, though.

  “Not much, Chris. Just ready to see what you guys have come up with,” Jensen answers, shaking his hand at the same time he wraps his other arm around me possessively.

  “This must be Ariana,” Chris says excitedly, letting go of Jensen’s hand quickly and offering it to me. “I’m one of your technicians,” he tells me. “Are you ready for this? It’s really a pleasure to get to work with you," said Chris admiringly. "I’ve listened to the recordings from Clark about a million times. You don't see talent like yours very often.”

  It’s hard for me to form words as my tongue suddenly seems to weigh five thousand pounds from my nerves.

  “A little nervous?” he asks, nodding his head understandingly. “Don’t be. We’re putting together epic shit today,” he says, and I can’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm. Chris is eyeing me appreciatively, and I feel the guys stiffen beside me. Oh, dear. Chris is attractive in that boy next door kind of way, but he can’t hold a candle to my guys. I reach out and grab both Jensen's and Jesse's hands after I shake Chris's, trying to comfort them. It was a little funny to see the tables turned. After all, I've been dealing with girls not only smiling at them, but also trying to get in their pants ever since I first met them.

  Clark told me that he'd already sent along some of the songs that Jensen and I had written together, and Chris and a few others have been coming up with some tracks to show us for us to record today.

  "Should we get to work?" barks Jensen in an annoyed voice and Chris shoots him a wry look, as it was easy to hear the jealousy in Jensen's voice.

  Chris holds my gaze for a second longer, before finally releasing it and taking a step away from me. "We've been working on that song that Clark sent over, and I think it's ready to lay down some vocals. We got the scratch track done a few days ago and recorded the rest of the instruments yesterday," he says walking towards the sound booth. I have no idea what he means by scratch track, and the nervousness I’m feeling ramps up. However, when we follow him inside and I see the room that I’ve only imagined, my nerves flee and are replaced by chills of excitement.

  Chris gestures us to sit on a worn, brown leather couch behind the sound booth. He begins to fiddle with some buttons ov
er where the rest of the sound engineers have set themselves up. A few buttons later, and a catchy beat starts to come on. It's a pop song, but there's elements of rock laced throughout it, setting it apart from the songs that you usually hear on the radio. It’s very close to what I envisioned when Jensen and I wrote the song. I immediately start to sing the words in my head along with the track. I can see Jensen's reluctant pleasure at how good it sounds as well. It’s outside my realm to truly fathom that this is really happening, or everything else that has happened in the last few days. I feel like I’m either dreaming or having some sort of out of body experience. All I can hope is that I don’t wake up.

  After it finishes, Chris asks if we’re ready. I'm supposed to be singing this song with Tanner, but he still hasn't gotten here, and I'm starting to get upset when I realize that Tanner is already thirty minutes late. He knows how much this means to me, and that the studio has only given us a few weeks to get this done. I thought after our conversation the other night that he would be taking this seriously for me.

  As if he read my mind, Jesse pulls out his phone and presses Tanner's number. "You're late," he snaps at him, sounding very un-Jesse like. "You're screwing this up for us, man," he says. Jesse listens for one more minute and then hangs up. “Tanner will be here soon,” he says, but I can tell that whatever h Tanner said did not make him happy.

  Another thirty minutes pass before Tanner shows up. Luckily, Jensen and Jesse had some suggestions for the track that they worked on implementing with Chris, so it’s not a total waste of time.

  My eyes widen when Tanner walks into the room. He’s wearing a stained shirt that has seen better days, his hair is a greasy mess, and his eyes are blood-shot. To top off the look, he’s sporting a purpling eye. Everyone in the room goes silent as we look at the train wreck in front of us. Jesse and Jensen look like they are going to kill him.

  “Are you okay?” I ask quietly, examining his gaunt features. I hadn’t noticed how much weight he has lost over the last few months since I was shot. He’s still beautiful, but he doesn’t look like he’s doing well.

  “I’m great,” he tells me, pulling me in for a kiss that leaves me breathless, despite my frustration with his tardiness and the fact that he clearly isn’t taking care of himself. I force myself to break the kiss after it starts to become heated.

  “What happened to your eye?”

  He waves my concern away. “I just went out with some friends last night and got into a little fight at a bar. Not a big deal.”

  I go to open my mouth, but he presses his lips over mine again, cutting me off. He pulls away after he feels my body go slack. “Let’s record your kick-ass song, rockstar,” he teases me, and I decide to drop the issue for now.

  Jensen hands us the lyric pages, muttering something scathing to Tanner that I can’t make out. Tanner just ignores him and guides me into the booth, where two microphones have been set up. He hands me a set of headphones before placing his on. Giving me a reassuring grin, he gives Chris a thumbs up, and the music starts playing.

  My voice is shaky from nerves when I first start, and we have to restart a few times before I level out and sound normal. Despite Tanner’s obviously rough night, he sounds amazing, and I marvel at the way our voices blend together. I almost forget to sing at one point because of the way he’s looking at me, like he’s falling more in love with me as we stand there. The song weaves around us, spinning magic into the air. I forget where we are. It’s just Tanner and me in this moment. The last note fades, and there’s a short silence before we hear clapping. I look over and see that Clark has stepped into the room. I can almost see the dollar signs in his eyes.

  We step out of the booth to get the reaction from the others. “You sounded amazing, baby,” says Jensen, lifting me in the air with a small whoop. I grin at him, probably looking a bit crazy as I’m experiencing that high that the guys always get when they perform, even though I’m not performing for anyone. I look to Jesse to see his reaction and see that he’s talking to Chris, gesturing with his hands emphatically.

  “Jesse?” I ask.

  “There’s something off with the base. It needs to be more active,” he tells Chris, who purses his lips as he thinks about it.

  “There’s nothing wrong with the base,” snaps Tanner, sounding agitated. “It’s good enough how it is.”

  “Do you want it to be just fine for Ariana?” Jesse snaps back. “Good enough isn’t good enough. This is Ari’s first single. It has to be perfect.”

  “Here we go.” Jensen groans, sitting down on the couch with a sigh. “They’re always like this,” he tells me, since I’m sure I look worried at the way they are talking to one another. “They will argue for a bit, and then Tanner will eventually meet Jesse halfway and then it will go on and on.”

  “Let’s listen back,” Jensen calls out to Chris, who nods.

  Chris punches some buttons and music fills the room. I almost jump when I hear my voice, not believing that it’s actually me that sounds that good. Everyone in the room listens, intent, to the entire song.

  “One more time, please.” Tanner gestures to Chris when the song is finished. Halfway through, he holds up his hand. “Stop! Play that part again?” Chris does as directed.

  “See? Right there. Listen,” Jesse says. “Wouldn’t it sound better if the bass picked up here?” He picks up a bass laying against the wall and starts to play along with the song. I do like the bas,s but I actually think that it’s the drum that needs to pick up more here. I also realize that there’s a few spots in the song that would sound better if I went up an octave.

  I startle when Clark starts talking to me in a low voice, and I realize that he’s standing right next to me. “Don’t forget this is your song, for your album, Ariana. They may be contributing, but it’s you on the line and not them. If you have an opinion, you need to speak up.”

  I nod, realizing that he’s right. “I think we actually need more drums through this section, and more bass in the chorus,” I announce. My voice comes out soft at first, and Jesse and Tanner don’t hear me. Jensen gives me a little nudge, and I repeat it louder.

  Jesse and Tanner both turn to me, looking chagrined. Evidently, they both realized that they were essentially taking over my song. Chris focuses his attention on me while Jensen moves to a set of drums. He starts beating a stronger rhythm over the song that Chris has replayed, and we all grin at each other when we hear how it sounds. Jesse adds more bass to the chorus, and I squeal a little bit when I hear it all coming together. The fact that I was right gives me confidence to tell everyone about my ideas for changes in the vocals. Tanner nods thoughtfully when he hears my ideas, and we get back into the vocal booth to re-record. Tanner and I smile as we move up an octave at the bridge, in agreement that the decision to change the chords was the right one. At one point Tanner is so excited about a verse of the song that I’ve just finished that he swoops in and gives me a spine tingling kiss. We have to restart, but I don’t mind.

  We take a break after we finish recording the vocals for the first single, and one of the studio’s staff members brings in a tray of turkey wraps. Clark is in and out of the room, barking at Chris about when the final version of the song will be ready. Evidently, listening to the song has lit a fire under him. My hands shake slightly when I overhear him on the phone talking about potential media dates.

  The guys stiffen when they hear what he’s saying. I think they had been under the assumption that because the first single hadn’t come out yet, that it would be a while before I would have obligations that would take me away from them. I kind of thought that too, but this song makes me excited to get started. I have that feeling like I’m standing on the edge of a precipice that’s about to change everything.

  I can’t remember a day where I had more fun.

  12

  I walk into the studio two days later. We weren't supposed to have a recording session today, but I knew that the sound engineers would be laying down so
me tracks for other songs on the album. Chris and one of the other engineers, Michael I think was his name, were both fiddling on the sound board while drinking coffee.

  Chris looks surprised to see me. "Ariana, I didn't think we had a session with you today. We're working on that track that you and Jesse put together."

  I nod, feeling shy all of a sudden. I’m holding my song notebook tightly in my hand. "I have some other songs that I wanted you to look at," I tell him.

  "Oh, that sounds great. Give me one more second, and then we can look them over."

  I sit down on the couch, my hands slightly shaking as I look at the song that I was going to show him. It was one that I put together when I was married to Gentry. It was a song that talked about another life and what could've been. I knew that it would make the guys sad to hear it, and it was a song that felt deeply personal, so I wanted to work on it myself. Clark told them that I was going to be in a meeting with record people today, and that was how I'd been able to slip away. My two bodyguards were standing outside of the room, ever present.

  Chris pulls up a stool in front of me. "Okay, what do you have for me?” he asks.

  "I thought I would play it for you, if that's all right," I answer.

  He chuckles. "You don’t need to ask, this is your album, remember?" he tells me, shooting me an amused grin. I blush and walk over to the piano sitting in the corner. Setting up the notebook in front of me, I take a deep sigh, and I begin.

  The words flow out of me. And even though I start off shaky once again as I had at the beginning of the first session, my voice quickly grows stronger. I thought at the time that I wrote this song, that it was a symbol of my weakness, my inability to grab hold of my dream. But now, as I sing it, I see it as something else. I see it as my anthem. Even four years into the worst marriage possible, I still let myself dream. I'd still let myself hope. There was still love laced throughout the words, and they were a testament to the fact that no matter how much time passed, I never stopped loving them. They had the same songs about me that they'd written while we were apart. The girl who wrote this hadn't been a nobody who had given up on life. She was still dreaming, still hoping. I could take pride in that.