Remember Me This Way Page 11

  I watch Tanner chew on his lip, deep in thought. He leans back into the camp chair and rubs a hand over his chin. “You’re right, this is a stupid game,” he says with a smirk before popping the top off a beer he picks up from the cooler next to him. He takes a long sip of his beer before getting up and heading to the shed that houses most of the beach equipment. Before I can ask what he’s doing, he returns with a guitar case. My heart thuds in my chest for some reason, even though I’ve seen them all play a million times at this point.

  “Do you mind?” he asks as he pulls the guitar out of its case. I shake my head and watch, enraptured, as he starts tuning the guitar. A moment later, he’s playing it. The intro sounds familiar, but I can’t place it. And then he starts singing. I’ll never get tired of his voice. Soft, yet full-bodied. Deep, gravely, and smoky. It’s tangled sheets, and stolen kisses. It’s perfection.

  It takes me a minute, but then I recognize the song. It’s “Outnumbered” by Dermot Kennedy. This song has always made me ache. You can hear the longing in the words, the self-loathing, the wish for a different life. This song is Tanner.

  I listen closely to the lyrics while he strums along on the guitar. I shiver, feeling transparent. Thankfully, he isn’t looking directly at me while singing, so he doesn’t see the nerves that flood me, making me want to itch my skin.

  When he finishes, his eyes meet mine. He smiles sheepishly. “I love that song. It’s my favorite of theirs.”

  Not wanting to dissect the lyrics, I try diverting the subject. “How long have you been playing?” Jensen told me his story, but I hadn’t heard Jesse or Tanner’s yet.

  Tanner’s hands roam over the neck of the guitar, a movement that makes me antsy for some reason. “About five years.” I’m sure my eyes betray how surprised I am at that, thinking he had been playing for longer, because he laughs. “If you can believe it, I was kind of a shy kid in elementary and the beginning of middle school.”

  I smile, enthralled at the unfamiliar light in his eyes as he talks.

  “There was a girl I had a crush on, Jennifer, I think was her name. She moved freshman year of high school. But I wanted her to pay attention to me so bad. I tried out for football in 8th grade for her. Hated every second of it, by the way, but I thought she would notice me if I played. Turns out she was more into music than sports. So I joined a guitar class next semester with grand ideas of wooing her with music.”

  I laugh, unable to think of Tanner having to work to woo anyone. He always held a certain something about him that drew eyes in every room. “So? Did it work out for you? Did you woo her?”

  Tanner laughs with me. “No. She saw right through me and was not impressed, to say the least.”

  “What?” I was surprised. “What girl wouldn’t be impressed that you went out of your way to play a song for her?”

  “Well, that was part of the problem, actually,” he said. He set the guitar with its back on his legs. “She thought I was stalking her and told everyone I was obsessed with her. Kind of embarrassing, actually. That kind of ended my crush.”

  “Maybe she was on to something. You do always manage to find me. Perhaps you and Jensen and Jesse are all secret stalkers.”

  “Nah, I think it’s just that you want to be found.” His eyes meet mine, and though he’s teasing, it feels like there’s a double meaning to his words. I try to play it off with a smile. I point to the guitar.

  “Are you taking requests?” I ask, flirting badly.

  Tanner puffs out his chest in complete exaggeration. “Sure am.”

  “Hmm…” I narrow my eyes in contemplation and tap a finger to my forehead. “How about some Beach Boys?” I ask, snickering since I know for a fact that Tanner doesn’t listen to them.

  Tanner’s lips spread into a boyish grin as he launches into “God Only Knows.” I mouth along the words with him, adding as much drama as possible. It’s more fun than I’ve had with him before, and Tanner doesn’t pause before he moves from song to song.

  He plays a few songs I don’t know, so I just lean back and bask in his voice, in the sky darkening as the sun slides down the sky. He sings “Cannonball” by Damien Rice for his last song, and his voice takes on a different quality. His voice takes on an even more gravelly sound, whether by design or from overextending his vocals, I’m not sure. But as with everything he does, I’m mesmerized.

  When he sings “It’s not hard to fall…” I feel goose bumps prickle my arms, and something squeezes in my chest. After he finishes “Cannonball,” the other guys arrive, and the moment is broken.

  Jesse and Jensen are starving after surfing for hours, so we cook chicken kabobs over the fire, and the guys laugh and joke and give each other a hard time as I listen and smile, basking in all that is them.

  After dinner, it’s time to leave. And like always, I wish we didn’t have to go and return to the real world.

  Tanner drove today, and he arranges it so that he’s dropping off Jensen and Jesse before me. The guys give us knowing glances, but the jealousy that I keep expecting never rears its head.

  We drive to the drop-off spot, and Tanner gets out and opens my door for me.

  It takes only a second before his arms are sliding around my waist, pressing my chest to his. He kisses me like I’m the air he needs to breathe. The anxiety in my veins about going home for the night is overpowered by the instantaneous lust that ripples through every part of my body. I always think that by kissing them, I’ll eventually calm the ache I feel whenever I’m around them.

  Instead, I always feel like I’m drowning in them, desperate for buoyancy in the sea of my need.

  I let my hands tangle in his hair, dragging my nails across his scalp. Tanner’s hands move to the back of my head as he pushes me back against the car with little force. One hand moves into my hair, and he twists his fingers into my long locks, tugging on them just enough to tilt my head back. His lips leave mine to travel along my jawline, slowly, kissing just behind my earlobe, before making their way back to my mouth, brushing his facial hair against my skin along the way.

  All the breath rushes out of my lungs, and I gasp for air as his lips crush against mine over and over again. One of my hands moves down to cup his jawline. He nips at my upper lip and then my lower lip before sucking my bottom lip into his mouth. My knees grow weak, and I grip the back of his neck with more force than before. Something warm and heavy settles deep in my chest, depriving my lungs of the little remaining breathing room. Tanner pulls away and rests his cheek against mine, each of us trying to catch our breath. We’re still tightly pressed together, his heartbeat rapidly echoing off of mine. My chest heaves as I gulp air and try to calm the storm raging within me. His arms slide over my shoulders, hands bracing against the car. His upper arms rest gently on top of my shoulders in this position, sort of like a loose hug, and I run my hands down his biceps, holding him in place, steadying myself. His weight on me is comforting, and I soak in the feeling. I’m completely oblivious to our surroundings, and suddenly thankful this road is not a busy one at this time of night. I feel Tanner’s warm breath tickle my ear as our breathing levels out.

  “Thanks,” I whisper right into his ear.

  I feel his returning smile against my cheek before he puts his mouth right by my ear. “You asked me to tell you something no one else knows, but I’d never want to hide this secret.”

  My breath hitches as his words float over me.

  “Ari, I’m in love with you, and I can’t imagine being happier than this,” he whispers. And then he moves, and I’m walking back to my trailer, only faintly aware of him driving away.

  I’m floating on air for the rest of the night, because I love him too.

  16

  Now

  Clark rings me early the next morning while I’m still tangled up with Jensen.

  "Go on Spotify," he demands without a hello. I feel like my stomach is making its way out of my mouth as I switch over to the music app.

  "Okay," I tell
him, not seeing anything with my name on it. I get up slowly off the bed and go into the hallway so that I don’t wake up Jensen.

  "Go to the new music Friday playlist," he tells me.

  It's a playlist that I watch avidly so I can be sure to know when all my favorite artists release. There was a while there that I felt like I was stalking it as I was desperate to hear the guys’ music as soon as it released.

  I click the playlist. And there, sitting at number three on the list, is my song.

  Clark must've heard my soft gasp because he gives a loud whoop that is very unlike him. "I guarantee that will be number one in the next hour," he says proudly.

  I eye the list doubtfully as a very famous female artist has just released a single off of her highly anticipated album today as well.

  "We’ve got to get going," he says. "The label’s got a jet for you booked to leave at 1 PM. I'll need you on it and headed to New York for the next week. I'll have the guys join you in two days since we need Tanner to perform that song with you live a few times, and I’m sure Jensen and Jesse will want to talk about what the songwriting process is with you."

  "New York City?" I ask, still a little stunned that my name is on a song in Spotify.

  "Yes. Now get moving. You'll be back next week to finish the rest of the album."

  I'm not speaking, and I know he was expecting more of reaction.

  "Ariana, you told me this is what you wanted," he reminds me, his voice disappointed at the thought that I changed my mind. Not that I really could change my mind, the wheels were already turning.

  "I'm just in shock. I'm ready for this, more ready then you can believe." I push aside the fact that I'm still having nightmares and panic attacks. The panic attacks had actually gotten a lot better, but after last night… No, I can't think like that. Gentry doesn't get a place in this.

  "Something happened last night, Clark. I think Gentry is nearby. He dropped off some documents with the guys, medical records that he shouldn't have been able to get a hold of." I tell him, knowing that my security will need to be apprised of all of that while I’m in New York.

  "Fuck. Wait...medical records. Are you pregnant?" he asks hesitantly.

  "No," I quickly tell him. "The records are old." And then I open my mouth and say something I never thought I would say out loud, and that now I’ve said repeatedly over the last 24 hours. It feels like I have to though, because I’m sure Gentry is going to find a way to use the information against me to hurt my career. "Clark, I was raped in high school by my stepfather. It's why I was separated from the guys to begin with," I tell him, the words coming out rough and jagged.

  There's a hiss from Clark, and then several muttered expletives. "I'll handle it," he says curtly. "And I'll see you later this afternoon."

  I admitted my darkest secret to an almost stranger, and I didn't die or break out in tears. Maybe last night’s emotional disaster was what I needed to push me past it.

  "I've got to go,” he says. “Get packed...and Ari, I'm so damn proud of you," he tells me before hanging up.

  I stare at the phone for a minute, and then click over to my song and listen to it. I'd obviously listened to it a million times while recording it, but there's something about listening to it from my phone, from a music streaming service, that's making it sound even better.

  Jesse walks into the room just then. His features are drawn, but when he sees me smiling so widely, a smile springs up on his face as well.

  "What's going on, pretty girl? Not that I'm complaining about your beautiful smile."

  I don't answer him, I simply play the song for him, watching as his smile becomes almost supersonic. He practically flies over to me, and looks at the phone, seeing that it’s playing on Spotify.

  "Guess Clark wanted to surprise you. This is the best," he tells me, suddenly picking me up and spinning me around while laughing delightedly. Tanner and Jensen both appear, I'm sure because of the ruckus that Jesse's making.

  There are laughs and shouts echoing through the hallway. And I just can't believe that after last night, after the terrible words that were spoken, we can be here not even 24 hours later, celebrating.

  Suddenly I see the time at the top of my phone. "Shoot, I need to start packing."

  "Packing?" Jesse asks, a frown reappearing on his face.

  "Evidently, I have some media appearances in New York City," I respond, and I know I'm smiling again at the thought of going back to New York City.

  "Well, we're going with you," says Jesse calmly, as he goes to leave the room...I'm assuming to pack.

  "It sounds like Clark wanted you guys to come later," I say hesitantly. "I think Clark was going to have Tanner perform with me a few times after I do some interviews by myself," I continue.

  "Fuck that, why would we wait a few days when we can be working on finishing your album while we’re there?" says Jensen, taking out his phone and beginning to type furiously.

  I look over at Tanner to see his reaction, since he's the one that's in our single. But talking to Tanner is evidently still hard. Because he staring off into space as if he's contemplating when he's going to get his next drink, which he probably is thinking about, come to think of it. I thought we had a little bit of a breakthrough the other night, but last night seems to have kicked us ten steps back again.

  "Well, we better get all packed then," I tell everyone, garnering surprised stares. I mean yeah, I want this album to be mine, I want to make a name for myself that has to do with my talent, not who I’m dating. But wasn't this our dream to begin with, that we do this all together? And shouldn’t I have someone who I know is in my corner, no matter when I'm starting all of this anyway?

  Clark can give me all the tips he wants, but he hasn't been the one giving these interviews, the guys have. And this may be my first single, but Tanner's the other voice on it, and I wrote the song with Jensen. It seems selfish of me to try and take all of the credit now.

  Ignoring their confused stares at the fact that I’m being so reasonable, I go back into my room and begin to open drawers and pull out clothes, opening my email every now and again to look at some of the suggestions that the band stylist has given me in the past for outfits. I'm sure that Clark will have clothes that he wants me to wear, but I want to feel like myself when I’m doing all of this, since I’ll be out of my comfort zone to begin with.

  The guys haven't moved, and I clap my hands together. "Come on, if you're going with me, we’ve got to be on that plane at 1 o'clock," I order. And that seems to finally break them out of whatever trance they’re in and get them moving. Jesse and Jensen disappear first, but Tanner hovers near the doorway.

  I look at him expectantly.

  "Just for the record, Princess," he begins. "You're the best singing partner I've ever had," he continues, before he disappears out of the room.

  Tanner makes my heart hurt. He’s so frustrating, but at the same time, I can feel his love for me. All I can pray is that he's able to push through his demons and get us back to where we were. The guilt that he's creating in his head isn't real. If I don't blame him for Miranda's actions, or for giving up on me all those years ago, he shouldn't blame himself either.

  Shaking off my thoughts, I finish packing and head downstairs where the car Clark sent is waiting. The driver doesn't seem surprised when we all pile outside, and I guess Jensen informed Clark of the change in plans.

  The privacy wall between the driver and our seats is open, and I can hear the radio playing a top hits station. Just then, a familiar song starts to play and I literally scream...making all the guys jump. Luckily, the driver is still putting the bags in the back and not driving yet, so I don’t make him crash.

  It's my song. It's actually playing on the radio. I know I’ve just seen it on Spotify, and that technically streaming is where everything is nowadays, but there’s still something about hearing your song play on the freaking radio. It just makes it real.

  Jesse pulls out a bottle of champagne tha
t's been chilling in the cooler, and pops it open, pouring the bubbly liquid into a plastic cup. "To our lady, the most talented, beautiful woman in the world," he says handing it to me with a flourish.

  I blush, feeling a little tipsy already off the adrenaline that's flowing through my veins, despite the fact that I haven't taken a sip of alcohol yet.

  Jesse finishes pouring everyone else cups, and we toast again, all the guys giving me their sexiest smiles, tempting me with thoughts of how nice it would be to be alone with them.

  I manage to restrain myself from jumping them, and thirty minutes later, we’re at the private airfield where the label’s plane is waiting. Tanner jokes about how they’re giving me the red carpet treatment, and that they didn't get to use the private plane when they were first starting, but I'm only halfway listening because I still can't get over the fact that I’m about to fly on a plane that's been sent for me especially. My phone buzzes just then, signaling a text is coming in. Reading it, my jaw drops. It's Clark informing me that the song is currently sitting at number two on the Billboard charts.

  "That's my girl," Jesse whispers, brushing a kiss against my cheek as he reads the text over my shoulder. We're led to our seats by an attractive male employee, and I don't miss how the guys intentionally bracket me on all sides, and how Jensen keeps his hand on my knee, shifting closer to me every time Donovan, the steward, comes by to check on us.

  Despite my excitement, I fall asleep on the flight, extremely tired since I only got a few restless hours of sleep last night. Jesse gently wakes me up as we’re beginning our descent. Seeing the New York skyline spread out before me like a plate of opportunity causes me to choke up. LA may have been the place where I always dreamed about making it big, but there's something about New York City.

  As soon as we land, we’re shuttled into waiting cars where an annoyed looking Clark is waiting for us.