Remember Me This Way Page 12

  "Good to see you, darling," says Clark, brushing a light kiss on my cheek. The last month has seen Clark and I developing what I think is an actual friendship. And I've grown more and more comfortable with the idea that he has my best wishes in mind.

  "Boys," he drawls, mock annoyance in his voice. Something tells me that Clark knew it wasn't going to go over well coming alone today. "Everything okay then, Ari?" Clark asks, and I know that he’s talking about what I told him earlier.

  I give him what I hope looks like a genuine smile, because I am hopeful that everything will be okay. I face timed with Dr. Mayfield this morning before we got on the plane, and she gave me a couple of thought exercises to help calm me down if I started to experience a panic attack on the trip. She'd been proud of me for finally telling the guys.

  I was proud of myself too. I felt lighter today, almost like I could do anything.

  I don’t have time for much introspection though, because Clark hands me a piece of paper and I see that I probably won’t be sleeping for the next week, as he’s packed my schedule with interviews with what seems like a million people. And it starts right now.

  Clark proceeds to give me a lecture about what questions to expect and how I should answer them. “I’ve specifically told them not to ask any questions about your relationship with the guys,” he tells me, and I nod.

  Tanner curses. “Are you trying to push us out of Ari’s life, or are you just an asshole?” he spits at Clark, who looks taken a back.

  “I’ve talked about this with Ari and we’ve agreed that we want the focus to be on her music, not on her relationships with the three of you.

  I look at Jensen and Jesse and they also look hurt by the idea.

  “If we allow those questions, that’s all they’ll ask about. What we created will get lost,” I try and explain.

  “Pretty girl, our music is us,” Jesse says gently. “We’ve made that very clear in all our interviews since you came back into our lives.”

  “How about this...we won’t tell them they’re allowed to ask the questions, but I won’t refuse to answer them if they do ask,” I say, looking at all three of them.

  Jesse and Jensen nod reluctantly, but Tanner still looks pissed. But I choose to ignore him. It doesn’t feel like anything can get Tanner in a good mood lately.

  We get to the first interview just then, it’s one of the biggest radio stations in the country. After this, we’ll have dinner with some label executives and then we will have to get to bed early for an early morning interview on The Morning Show.

  I’m fiddling with my clothes as we walk into the building. The radio hosts look surprised and then delighted to see the guys with me. They start to ask them questions, but Clark immediately holds up his hand.

  “The guys won’t be answering questions. They’re just here for moral support, since they contributed to the song. Please continue with your questions for Ariana.”

  The radio host, DJ Tom, looks annoyed but quickly recovers and begins to pepper me about the song, my writing process with Jensen, and what Tanner is like to sing with.

  The interview is going well I think until we get to the end.

  “So, Ariana,” DJ Tom begins, a sneaky smile on his face as he begins his last question. “Rumors are going crazy that you’re actually dating the whole band...what do you have to say about that?”

  Clark looks like he’s going to throttle him, but I’m more worried about what the guys think. I know Clark would want me to deny it for now, but looking at them, I can’t bring myself to do it. The Sound of Us have owned my heart since the moment they came into it. I don’t think that I could ever deny that, not after everything we’ve been through to get to this point.

  I take a deep breath. “Our relationship is private, and we would like to keep it that way. But I can tell you that I have loved these boys since I was a teenager, and that’s never going to change.”

  Clark ends the interview and hustles us out without letting me say goodbye and with a well-placed glare at DJ Tom. We get into the back of the car, and Jensen is on me. He grinds into me, and as soon as I open my mouth to respond, his lips take mine in a desperate kiss. When his tongue sweeps into my mouth, I moan and grip his hair, pulling myself flush against the lines of his chest. His hands knead, touch, and roam over every inch of my back while his mouth continues its devastation. He tastes good, like champagne and something new, something that’s been out of my reach until now. I vaguely hear Clark calling our names, but I don’t care. I grip Jensen harder, kissing him longer. This is what I want forever and ever with all of them.

  Jesse finally pulls Jensen away with a big grin on his face. “Fuck, I love you,” says Jensen, obviously happy with my answer to that last question. Looking at the other two, they’re practically beaming as well. Even Tanner is cracking an uncharacteristic grin.

  “So, I guess I did good?” I joke, and Clark moans as Jesse tries to jump me for a kiss.

  “We don’t have time for this,” he says, pulling Jesse away and forcing me to sit in the front seat. “We’re on a schedule and due for that dinner in ten minutes, and we’re twenty minutes away.”

  We make it to the dinner, and it’s ridiculously boring. I just want to sing, I’m realizing that the rest of the politics involved with that are the baggage that come with that. Everything changes when a server comes in with a giant cake. It’s at least three feet tall and covered in gold sprinkles. There’s a giant number one on the top of the cake with tall sparkler looking candles all over it.

  I look at the guys confused, but they’ve got big grins on their face. The VP of the label stands up just then. “A toast to ‘The Last Night of You’ becoming Billboard’s newest #1 song,” he croons, and the whole room erupts in applause. I have to sit down at the news, because I feel like I’m having a heart attack. It’s only when Jesse pulls it up on his phone to show me that I can really believe it.

  I spend the next hour accepting congratulations with people I don’t even know...but I’m not bored anymore.

  This is one of the greatest days of my life.

  The next few days are the busiest of my life. Every single second of my time has been planned, but we still haven’t gotten to perform the song live yet. So when we get to the Spotify studios for Tanner and I’s first live performance, I’m ready.

  I slip into the dressing room that Tanner has been hanging out in since we got here.

  “You ready?” I ask, hating how awkward I feel with him right now. I keep thinking that it will get better, but it never does. And even though Tanner looks his gorgeous bad boy self this afternoon, I know for a fact that he was woken up by Clark an hour ago because he’d gotten black out drunk last night after dinner.

  “I’m always ready,” he smirks, but it comes out half-hearted.

  I open my mouth to say more, desperate to pull him towards me and shake some sense into him, but our Spotify handler for the day chooses that moment to knock on the door, signaling that it’s time for us to start.

  My nerves are next level for this, and I’m worried I’m going to mess up like I did for most of my first takes in the recording studio thus far.

  But as soon as the music starts, I lose myself in the ebb and flow of the notes, and the rhythm of my heart changes to match the music—slow and easy. Tanner’s voice glides in with the gravelly, honest sound that has won the hearts of millions around the world. When I chime in with the harmony, our voices blend beautifully, rising and falling in crescendo. Our eyes lock, and the passion of the music plays out in our faces. Around the room, everyone is avidly fixed on us as we perform. I’ve never felt so alive yet so completely vulnerable, and even Tanner, with all his angst, can’t help but feel this moment with me. He’s smiling while he sings with me, his eyes never straying away from me as he sings his verse.

  When we sing the last line, “The last night of you, meant the last night of me,” Tanner tips his head so that our foreheads are touching and our lips are a whisper apart.
The room is silent for a moment, and then it erupts in a fury of applause, catcalls, and whistles.

  Tanner gives me a soft kiss before he begins to withdraw himself. And by the time the applause dies down, the smile is gone, and he’s just as cold and untouchable as before we started. I frown at him but try to concentrate on the people that have come over to talk to us. I would have almost preferred that he stayed withdrawn instead of offering me a glimpse of the boy that I’m desperately hoping to get back.

  It’s going to be a long rest of the week.

  17

  Then

  There was another party at Tanner's house. There haven't been any while his parents were in town. But the second they left the country to go back to London, Tanner sent out an open invite for people to come over.

  His parents had been here for two months while his father tended to business, which didn't seem that long in retrospect, but the damage they had done to Tanner in that time was tangible.

  It took me a little while to come over. David and my mother had been having a full on brawl when I came home from school today. The police were called, and I had to try to cover for them so that I didn't get taken to a foster family and end up who knows where. Despite how bad everything was, I heard the stories about the nightmares kids found themselves in in some foster homes, and I felt much more comfortable facing the evil I did know rather than the evil I didn't.

  For some reason, I don't tell the guys why I'm late, I don't tell them about my stepdad walking in on me while I was getting dressed, the way his eyes danced across my body as I tried to hide it from view. I don't tell them about how I threw up afterwards because I felt so sick about the look that was in his eyes.

  I don't tell them that I walked to Amberlie's house, and then I cried when I got there.

  I don't tell them about any of that.

  Maybe it's because they have so many of their own problems, between Tanner and Jensen. And Jesse, who’s always trying to keep them together...I don't want to add more to their burdens.

  I've never had someone look at me the way that they do, and the thought of risking that by telling them what my life is really like...I just couldn't handle it if they ever did look at me like they felt sorry for me. I've had enough pity from people in my life to last nine life times.

  Apparently, my extreme tardiness accounts for the reason why Tanner is so drunk he can't see straight when I arrive. At least he seems to recognize me, pulling me into a full body hug that threatens to send me to the ground, since he's having trouble standing himself.

  Jesse has evidently gotten tired of watching out for Tanner because he's drunk as well.

  After the drunken fight that I just witnessed at home, the last place I really want to be is around a bunch of drunk people.

  I leave Amberlie with some of her cheerleader friends and I walk out to the back deck where I find Jensen smoking a blunt with a couple of their crowd from school, the smoky tendrils fading into the night air. I sneeze from the skunky smell, bringing Jensen's attention to me. He jumps in surprise to see me, and then looks a little bit guilty for me catching him smoking. He hands it to his friend and stands up to greet me.

  "Hey, baby," he says to me. He doesn't kiss me just then, in front of his friends, but I can see that he wants to. And I wonder why he stops himself. "You're late," he says instead of kissing me.

  I look at him with an eyebrow raised. "Did you actually notice?" I ask, gesturing to his group of very high friends. He winces.

  "I'm always thinking about you and wanting you with me," he replies, and it catches me off guard because there's so much earnestness in his voice. I smile shyly at him. He opens his mouth to say something just then, but is cut off when Tanner stumbles outside.

  "Princess," he yells out. And I can feel the eyes of everyone who's out here on me. "Princess," he yells again, obviously not seeing me because of Jensen standing in the way.

  "Tanner?" I ask softly, hoping that will get him to be a little bit quieter. All the attention is making me want to break out in hives.

  "There you are," he says, holding up his drink like he's cheering me. He stumbles over to me, stopping himself so awkwardly that he sloshes his drink all down the front of my shirt.

  I let out a little cry because his drink is cold against my skin, and this was one of Amberlie's white blouses that I borrowed for the party. And now it's ruined, thanks to the red punch he was drinking that smells like it’s mostly vodka with a lot of red food coloring.

  "What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" Jensen growls at Tanner before pushing him away from me.

  I kind of feel like crying after what happened at my house, and now this.

  And I'm suddenly extremely tired.

  "Jensen, it’s fine," I tell him in a resigned voice. But he cuts me off.

  "No Ari, it's not fine. This tool has been walking around with his head up his ass for a month now, and he won't tell us why. Having crappy parents doesn't give you an excuse to act like a dip ship," he spits at Tanner. A crowd’s been building around us, and they all go quiet.

  "What did you just say to me?" Tanner slurs. "Why don't you tell yourself that, since you’ve been using the loss of your mother to get Ari to spend all her time with you," Tanner snarls at Jensen.

  I gasp, not believing that those words just came out of Tanner's mouth.

  "Okay guys, let's just take a break before anything else is said," I plead with them. But they're not backing down from each other. I look around for Jesse, hoping that he'll step in. But he’s still inside. I pull out my phone and send a quick text, hoping that Jesse's not too drunk to read it.

  This is why I stayed away from parties my whole life. Nothing good ever comes from them.

  "We both know you'll do anything to get her attention. Why don't you ask her who she kissed the other night? Ask her if she liked it, if it made her wet. Ask her who she thinks about when she's in her bed touching herself," Tanner says wickedly.

  And now I'm not just sick about the situation, I'm furious. How dare he talk about me like that in front of all these people, in that tone, like our kiss meant nothing and I'm just a sex toy to be passed around the three of them. We’re not even having sex...but I guarantee everyone out here is going to think that.

  "Jesse has the nice guy golden boy routine going on, and you know he's in there good with her. What do you have to offer her, Jensen?" Tanner keeps talking, his vile words springing from his mouth until I'm not sure that I’ve ever really known him.

  Jesse comes out just then, looking a little green around the gills. "What's going on, guys? Ari just texted me," he says, his words slurring a little as well. He looks around, and sees me standing there, and then sees that half the party is standing outside around the three of us.

  Tanner and Jensen are both just staring at each other. Their looks are full of loathing. They’re the kind of looks that I've only ever seen them reserve for other people, never for each other.

  Just then Tanner and Jensen also look around, and it's as if they thought we were alone this whole time and only just now have noticed everyone else. Tanner's eyes dart towards me, and I know he sees the disgust written all over my face, because a look of shame crosses his features.

  "Princess," he begins.

  I don't let him talk. "You went too far," I spit at him, actually hating him in this moment. He talked about me like I was trash, like I was just another one of those girls that hung all over them. I was supposed to be his good thing.

  Evidently, I was actually nothing.

  Drunk or not, there is no excuse for him talking about me like that. I just want to go home, but home would be even worse. I knew after their fights today, I was likely to come home and find Terry and David going at it in the living room.

  I feel really alone in this moment.

  Tanner takes a step towards me again, and I back away. "Stay away from me, Tanner," I tell him coldly. Tanner clinches his drink tightly, breaking the cup and sending more red punch everywhe
re. He throws it to the ground. "Fuck," he roars.

  He darts back inside, still tripping over himself with how intoxicated he is. A little part of me suddenly feels guilty about talking to him like, that since I know that he's been going through something bad the last month, but I push it away. Everyone has bad shit that happens to them. And we all don’t act like assholes.

  Jesse walks over to me, and puts his arm around me. "I'm too drunk to drive, and Ubers don't come out here, so let's just go hang in the theater room. Everything will be better in the morning," he tells me, blinking rapidly as he tries to focus on my face. Jensen nods in agreement, looking exhausted all of a sudden, whether from the blunt or from fighting with Tanner. I’m mad at him too for instigating all of that. But we'll talk about it when he’s sober.

  As we walk into the house, I see that Tanner is playing beer pong with one of his buddies against Reagan and one of her friends. I seethe at seeing him hang out with her, even though he doesn’t even seem to be talking to her. He shoots me a wounded look as I pass by him, but I ignore it. Getting more drunk was only going to make everything worse, didn't he know that?

  I can’t concentrate on the movie, my mind keeps flickering over what happened. Jensen is sulking on the opposite couch while I snuggle into Jesse's arms.

  Suddenly the door to the theater room flies open and one of the guys that sometimes joins us at the lunch table, Thomas, comes barreling in.

  "Get the fuck out here," he screeches. "Tanner's having a seizure."

  We fly out of the room. I let out a sob when I see Tanner on the ground next to the bar, convulsing. He starts to choke on what I assume is his throwup.

  I launch myself at him and turn his body to the side. It takes all of my strength, because he’s still thrashing around. I don’t even think about it when I scoop my fingers into his mouth to help get the throwup out. Jesse is on the phone with 911 while Jensen just stares at us, horrified and a little dazed. I’m only faintly aware of Reagan standing a few feet away from us with her hands over her mouth as she cries. Tanner stops seizing, but the complete stillness of his body is almost worse. His breathing is labored, but at least he's stopped choking.